Week 50: When Resilience Turns into Overfunctioning
Many people pride themselves on being the ones who always show up, hold things together, and anticipate problems before they happen. On the surface, that looks like strength. And for a while, it works — at work, in relationships, in families. Others learn they can rely on you, and that trust feels rewarding.
But there’s another side. When helping turns into overfunctioning, it quietly takes a toll. You may find yourself micromanaging even when you step away, checking in “just to be sure,” or fixing problems that were never yours to solve. Not because you want to — but because it feels impossible not to. Over time, what once looked like resilience leaves you exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs.
In today’s climate of constant urgency and instability, this pattern shows up more than ever. The good news? Awareness creates choice. Once you see the cycle, you can begin to loosen its grip.
Five Practices to Break the Cycle
1. Notice the Reflex
Overfunctioning is often automatic. Before you jump in, pause. Ask: Is this truly mine to hold? That small space between impulse and action helps you see the difference between responsibility and reflex.
2. Check the Motivation
Helping from generosity feels light. Helping from fear feels heavy. Fear of being judged, letting someone down, or watching something slip is what fuels overfunctioning. When fear is at the wheel, step back.
3. Let Imperfection Breathe
Perfectionism keeps the cycle alive. Try small experiments with imperfection: let the email go out with a typo, leave the laundry for tomorrow, allow “good enough” instead of flawless. You’ll learn the world doesn’t collapse when things are imperfect — but you may feel lighter.
4. Redefine Strength
True strength isn’t about being the glue that holds everything together. It’s the courage to set limits, the wisdom to let others carry their share, and the trust that your worth isn’t measured by how much you do.
5. Protect Your Energy Like a Resource
Your energy is finite. Every “yes” is a withdrawal from your account. Ask: Is this where I want to spend my energy? Protecting it isn’t selfish — it’s what makes space for health, joy, and what matters most.
Finally…
Overfunctioning can masquerade as resilience, but it slowly chips away at the real thing. It convinces you you’re the only one who can hold it all, while leaving you drained and disconnected.
Remember: this pattern often began as a survival skill. Anticipating problems or carrying more than your share may once have kept you safe, loved, or secure. That’s not weakness — it’s evidence of your resourcefulness. But what kept you safe then may now keep you stuck.
Clients often discover that when they set something down, the world doesn’t fall apart. They begin to feel steadier, lighter, and more present. They learn that resilience isn’t about doing more — it’s about trusting they are enough, even without overfunctioning.
So ask yourself: What would it mean to put down just one thing today? What might shift if you allowed yourself to be supported, instead of always being the supporter?
